Here is the SUBSTANCE (without personal references and allusions) of an address I expect to give within the marriage services I shall take this weekend of couples who are graduate students:
In the marriage service the bride and the bridegroom each say several times, “ I will.” They do not say “Yes” or “I do” but “I will.” This form of the verb is not by accident but is based on both sound teaching and experience of relations in marriage.
First, think of “will.” Let us agree that this form of the verb points to INTENTION, PURPOSE, DECISION and COMMITMENT.
It is rooted not in raw and unstable emotions, feelings and affections that ebb and flow like the ocean tides. Not in the raw and passionate love that is celebrated in many popular songs. Rather “will” is rooted in the conviction and determination of the mind to act and behave in a certain way towards the other.
Therefore the use of WILL emphasises that love, true love, genuine love, lasting love is rooted not so much in the affections as in the mind/will. Love is a committed intention & purpose to do good to the other person, to think of his or her true good and always to work to that end.
Now think of the “I” in “I will”.
Here we have to think very carefully. For many younger people today the “I” is the mix of feelings that they have about themselves, those feelings that are unique to the specific individual. So I am unique because of the unique feelings that I have of myself, of others and of things in general. And of course this modern understanding of who I am is much fortified and encouraged by the media, by pop songs and modern culture.
But the more sensible understanding of “I”, and one upon which this marriage service and the Christian religion is based, is that of personal identity – that is, the I/ ego, is rooted in personal relations.
So if I ask, “Who are you?” the answer is NOT: “I am I myself with my own unique feelings possessed only by me;” BUT “I am who I am because of unique relations, relations of order. I am the daughter of my parents, the sister of my brother, the granddaughter of my grandparents, the cousin of my the children of my uncles and aunts and so on.”
Personal identity is rooted in the fact that I am a unique creature of God the Creator and that I am related in the order of creation to specific fellow human beings.
Thus the “I” who says “I will” has both a very specific identity as a human being and a very specific commitment, intention and purpose to do good unto the other.
Now to complete this reflection, in this marriage service the relatedness of the “I” and the range of the “ I will” are both being extended. The relations of identity now include a spouse who takes first place amongst the relatives; and the meaning of “will” to do good is directed specifically and for all time under all conditions to that spouse.
The Rev'd Dr. Peter Toon
Minister of Christ Church, Biddulph Moor,
England & Vice-President and Emissary-at-Large
of The Prayer Book Society of America
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